Defeated, Disheartened and Discouraged

I can hardly think of any positive words to describe my emotions right now after my (attempt at a) long run. I headed out this afternoon to do an out and back loop from my apartment and continuing on in the reverse of the marathon loop to what is normally the third hill of Heartbreak and back. I ate a full package (that is three servings) of rice bran, gluten-free pasta last night. I did not go out drinking with my intern friends. I was in bed early for this run. I braved the craptastic weather. I added an extra layer of clothing. I even went to City Sports to buy a fuel belt so I could hydrate along the way with Berry Propel and Mint Chocolate Gu. But, it was not enough. My legs were achy the second I turned onto Comm Ave and started pounding the pavement...the oh-so-comfortable cement (and brick) sidewalks of Back Bay and beyond. I decided to rehydrate about 2 miles into my run by the Citgo sign, and noticed that my well washed out bottles were all sudsy inside. I didn't wash the soap out enough when I was trying to rid the bottles of the poisonous plastic taste. So, I stopped at An Tua Nua and had a bartender wash them out for me. Didn't work. I stopped at the Golden Temple to have them washed out. Also did not work. I got myself past BC and felt like death.

Achy...fatigue...shin splinted.

I turned around and walked back to Cleveland Circle (because I hate the B Line) where I proceeded to take the green line all the way home.

Defeated. Disheartened. Discouraged.

Then I remind myself why I am doing this. Why am I dealing with this pain? How many more Advil can I take before my body becomes immune to them? Will my muscles ever recover from the constant increase of my weekly miles? How much more gluten-free pasta can I eat before I want to boycott the Celiac diet altogether and eat a loaf of whole wheat bread?

I get back, and see a donation from my friend Kaitlin and a cheerleading one-liner email from my law school friend Ari. I am very lucky to have so many people supporting me.

And, I remember why I am doing this. The pain I deal with, the discouragement I feel, the commitment I am making, is nothing compared to what cancer patients feel on a day-to-day basis.

I also got home to this video that Jack Fultz, my marathon training coach posted on the DFMC bulletin board. Yes, we get a Marathon winner as our running coach...I am very lucky to say the least. I realize that I cannot let today dictate how I am going to feel throughout the remainder of my training. As obvious from this video, no matter what language it is in, when someone wants to finish the marathon...they will. I can see the pain on her face as she collapses multiple times, but I also see the sense of accomplishment when she crosses the finish line. I want to be able to say that I raised an unbelievable amount of money for cancer research by running Boston. I know that the pain I feel along the way will NOT stop me from being able to accomplish these goals.

I will finish the Boston Marathon.